I feel like everyone has an addiction that they struggle with throughout their lives, whether it be a drug of choice, alcohol, maintaining a weight, or a certain look. There's always the addiction to power and money, or basically anything else. The most recognized form of addiction is drugs and alcohol, obviously but I think that addiction comes in all forms, and many can be as lethal as drugs and alcohol. If anything, the addictions that are far less controversial usually lead to the drugs and alcohol. Everything always goes hand in hand. It's incredible, but equally as frightening if you really think about it.

My addiction would definitely have to be control. Not of others, but of myself. I obsess over setting goals, reaching goals. I obsess with planning things. I'm so unhealthy in the way that if I don't constantly clarify the things I want for myself, I just fall apart--- both physically and emotionally. I realize that nothing is for certain, but I am constantly making plans for the future, and pretending that they are unchangeable-- set in stone forever. When I don't create my own future, nothing seems relevant. The present seems pointless, because I have no idea what's going to happen next, so I just sink. And sink. I hate myself for not being able to "roll with the punches." I hate how everything I do reaches the extremes. Everything I do is in excess, both the good and the bad. I wish I could just live for the "here and now" but sometimes (most of the time) the "here and now" doesn't seem good enough, so I plan ways I could make things better, just so i'll feel better. It's pretty selfish, but what addictions aren't in the end?

It's so strange how when it comes down to it, everything has the root of selfishness. My compulsion to want to make my loved ones happy in any way that I can is selfish in the fact that it satisfies me beyond measure. Keyword: me. Always: I. It's inescapable. Maybe I don't make sense, but it's the way I see things. If people were entirely selfless, they would have no need to do anything. We wouldn't need to love, learn, listen, speak. We'd be mute, immobile, and blankly staring into space without thought until we died haha.

I believe that most addictions are so hard to break because while you're feeling the "high" of it all, for a moment, or maybe even two if you're lucky, you feel like you're not alone. You almost believe it, and when you come down it hits so much harder, which I suppose is why addictions are named as such. Chasing that fleeting feeling forever, just trying to get it to stick.

Seriously, though. Why are most people so devoid of meaningful thought? Is it a defense mechanism, to disassociate from reality? Granted, it's easier. I've tried being apart of this world of numbed people, but in the end I want to feel everything the way it really feels... whether it hurts that much more, or not. I suppose constantly fighting for control, and searching for "answers" goes hand in hand, and it's hard to search, and think, and think, and think for the perfect solution without realizing that there is no perfect solution. There's probably no solution at all. But the thoughts never stop, and when you've almost got the truths you never wanted to know buried, it always comes back. After a while, you begin to embrace it when it does. I guess that's where i'm at now.